COLLECTED QUOTES

Please report attribution errors to: chuck@clwilliamson.net

Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

What if the "Hokey-Pokey" is what its all about?

Everything should be made as simple as possible but not simpler. --A. Einstein

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
--Ron Dippold

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time -
I think I've forgotten this before.
-- Stephen Wright

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy,
unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, 'I predict, Sir,
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease'.
Disraeli replied, 'That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your
principles or your mistress.'

The Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive,
difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind- boggling
amounts of excrement when you least expect it. --Gene Spafford,

Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject
to the regulation of conscience. -- Adam Smith.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
-- Mark Twain

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

A couple is leaving a theater after seeing the movie Indecent Proposal.
The husband says, "Would YOU sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
"Yes," she replies, "but they'd have to give me some time to come up with the money."
From a cartoon by --Dan Wasserman.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

When you have eliminated the impossible, that which remains,
however improbable, must be the truth. --Arthur Conan Doyle

In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
- Carl Sagan, Cosmos

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner

What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is diabetic
and needs insulin? Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?

People who are incapable of making decisions
are the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing;
and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing
confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.

Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile
away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.

A horse divided against itself cannot stand

Chaste makes waste.

Actions lie louder than words. --Carolyn Wells

It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
One in a million, perhaps.

Heavy, adj: Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.

Mayor Vincent J. Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed:
"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
and a virgin in the whole organization."

We are upping our standards,...so up yours. ---Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like ---Avon

Don't be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated.
You can't cross a chasm in two small steps.
--David Lloyd George

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail;
then you can let go when you want to.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people. --Orson Welles

Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.--Bertrand Russell

A statement of fact cannot be insolent-- Orac

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.

Damn reporters! That wasn't the quote at all! It was 'carry a big SHOVEL'.
Sticks, indeed! -- Teddy R.

An eclipse of the Earth occurs when you put your hands over your eyes.

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.
-- Al Capone

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the WAR ROOM!-- from --Dr Strangelove

Cameramen on strike,
Slides at 11

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel

His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside.
Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
--Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

There is no limit to stupidity. Space itself is said to be bounded by its own curvature,
but stupidity continues beyond infinity.-- Gene Wolfe

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock
or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has
a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root,
it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.
-Daniel Dennett

The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
(1) write down the problem;
(2) think very hard;
(3) write down the answer.
-Murray Gell-mann

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
---W. C. Fields

The turtle makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. -- James Bryant Conant

I never said all actors are cattle;
what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.
--Alfred Hitchcock

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken
--Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. --Kin Hubbard

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could
all be anything we damned well pleased. --P. J. O'Rourke in Rolling Stone

I don't try to describe the future. I try to prevent it.
--Ray Bradbury Quoted by Arthur C. Clarke

A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. --William Shedd

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
--Henry Kissinger

Being in politics is like coaching football.
You have to be smart enough to understand the game
and dumb enough to think it's important. --Eugene J. McCarthy, 1968

Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for. --Bumper Sticker

Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force!
Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.
--George Washington

It costs money to propagate intelligence. Ignorance, on the other hand, is free.
Our "leaders" in Washington seem to think they have found a bargain.
-- Chris Colby

The color of truth is gray. -- Andre Gide

Keep an open mind -- but not so open your brain falls out. -- Robert Low

There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire.
The other is to get it. --George Bernard Shaw

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.-- Alfred Adler

In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech,
freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice eitherf. - Mark Twain

Nothing is obvious unless you are overlooking something.
--Tye McQueen, E.

Syntactic sugar leads to cancer of the semicolon. -- Guy L. Steele

I'm not sure, but He seems to be inordinately fond of beetles. --J.B.S. Haldane
responding to the question, "What has the study of biology taught
you about the Creator Dr. Haldane?"

When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box.
-- Italian Proverb

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War- IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein

Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than are lies.-- F. Nietzsche

Down, boy! That's a good dogma. -- Mathew (off talk.origins)

Surely your God didn't give you your head and your rectum so you could do
THAT with 'em? -- Simon Clippingdale responding to Chuck Maier

There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don't
believe this to be a coincidence. --anonymous

Irony: God gave the turtle a drag coefficient of 0.3

A good place to begin the search for truth is to look squarely at the idea
that just perhaps you don't want to find it. -- Gene Ward Smith

First they stole the fourth amendment. I said nothing because I don't deal drugs.
Then they took the sixth amendment. I was silent because I know I'm not guilty.
When they came for the second amendment, I kept quiet because I don't own a gun.
Now they've come for the first amendment, and I can't say anything at all."
-- M. Pablo

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, there is a big difference

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind. How true that is.
-- J. Danforth Quayle at United Negro College Fund luncheon

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than
the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity
is a cheap and dangerous quality. --George Bernard Shaw

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself . -- A. Lincoln

The road to ruin is always kept in good repair.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries,
is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." --Isaac Asimov

In Mathematics, you don't understand things; you just get used to them.
--John Von Neumann

He was busy creating hell for people who ask such questions. -- St. Augustin
in reply to "What was God doing before creation?

All colors will agree in the dark. -- Francis Bacon

What professor Einstein has just said is not so stupid. -- Pauli (when young)

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays.
Clutch it, and it darts away. -- Dorothy Parker

One cannot escape the feeling that these equations have an existence and intelligence
of their own; that they are wiser than we are, wiser even than their discoverers;
that we get more out of them than was originally put into them.
-- Hertz on Maxwell's equations

A table of random numbers, once printed, requires no errata. -- Mark Kak

Never initiate force against another. That should be the underlying principle of your life.
But should someone do violence to you, retaliate without hesitation, without reservation,
without quarter, until you are sure that he will never wish to harm or never be capable
of harming you or yours again. F. Paul Wilson

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -- John Lennon

Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you
by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors,
we borrow it from our Children. --Ancient Indian Proverb

The only way to deal with bureaucrats is with stealth and sudden violence.
--UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali

I have a very firm gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
--Clint Eastwood Pink Cadillac

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?- A stick!
-- Bill Kirchenbaum

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
-- John Lilly

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God
is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.
-- Fred Brooks, Jr.

Reporter: Mr. Gandhi, what do you think about Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.

Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course,
living in a state of sin. -- John von Neumann

Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts, perhaps the fear of a loss of power.
-- John Steinbeck

Erotic is when you use a feather,
kinky is when you use the whole chicken. - C. Haynes.

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
-- George Bernard Shaw

One faces the future with one's past. --Pearl S. Buck, 1942

I'm all in favor of the democratic principle that one idiot is as good as one genius,
but I draw the line when someone takes the next step and concludes that two idiots
are better than one genius. --Leo Szilard

In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

As far as I know we never had an undetected error -- anonymous

But cheer up -- we could be selling tobacco. It's not like software kills people
-- if used as intended. --David Chase

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. -- Anonymous

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! -- Anonymous

The fool must be beaten with a stick, for an intelligent person the merest hint is sufficient.
- Zen-Master Greg Wheatley

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. --Stephen Wright

Also, I really think that we need to discuss the creative use of... clinicians in other diseases,
such as Clue Deficiency Syndrome and Male Testosterone Overload Disorder.
Camilla Cracchiolo: after a post about PMS in sci.med

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8,
the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry."
- Gary Larson

Fame is a communicable disease. And if you kiss the ass of someone
who's got it, you may catch it yourself. -- P. J. O'Rourke

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

There's nothing wrong with bed-hopping... intrinsically -- Jen Setlow

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

If only Mama Cass shared that ham sandwich with Karen Carpenter,
they both might be alive today --anonymous

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk.
-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode "Amok Time"

Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing
which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy. --Albert Einstein

Scariest sentence in the English language: "We'll be in the air momentarily".
-- Pieter Hazewindus

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.
--Werner Heisenberg (1901-1976)

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post
how it feels about dogs. -- Christopher Hampton

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Withdrawing in disgust is not the same thing as apathy. -- Richard Linklader

To be or not to be-- those are the parameters.

Do you believe in clubs for young people?
"Only when kindness fails". --W. C. Fields

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student. -- Bumper sticker

I love cats- they taste just like chicken.

Keep honking ...while I reload. -- Bumper sticker

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Journalists use the word "guru" only because "charlatan" is too hard to spell.
--Peter Drucker

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. --Bumper sticker

You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. --Robert Wilensky

How about never?  Is never good for you?

It's your god.
They're your rules.
You go to hell.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. -- David Bedno

Sex can be messy, but only if it's done right.-- Groucho Marx

Sheep do not so much fly as plummet! -- MPFC

I am not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It is just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

You are validating my inherit mistrust of strangers.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Great minds discuss ideas
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people

DRIVE CAREFULLY: 90% of the people in the world are caused by accident.

Galaxies : The result of chaotic amplification of quantum events in the big bang.
Free will : The result of chaotic amplification of quantum events in the brain.

Support your local medical examiner - die strangely. -- Blake Bowers

Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
you lose interest. -- Prof. Irwin Corey

Never underestimate the animosity of an inanimate object.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Anyone can make something work. But it takes an engineer to make it barely work.

Honk if your horn is broken.

Getting people to give vast amounts of money when there's no firm idea
what that money will do is like throwing maidens down a well.
-- P. J. O'Rourke, Give War a Chance

Left to Her own devices, nature cures stupidity.

You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.

You know what they say about paradigms?  Shift happens!

The early worm deserves the bird... -- Robert A. Heinlein

Someday you will find someone special. Someone who won't press charges.
--Gomez Addams

Don't take life so seriously...it's not a permanent condition.-- Noire

My reality check Just bounced

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
-- Mark Twain

The earth is too fragile a basket in which to keep all your eggs.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

There's nothing so passionate as a vested interest disguised as an intellectual conviction.
--Frank Herbert The White Plague

Jeans by Jordache... Body By Fritos.

Here; let me show you how the guards used to to it.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

And which dwarf are you?

I'm not your type.  I'm not inflateable.

I don't have an attitude problem -- You have a perception problem.

You can have it good, cheap, or fast. Any two. -- Arthur C. Clarke

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Today,  I felt pass over me a breath of wind, from the wings of  madness
--Baudelaire

I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
-- Isaac Asimov

I like cats to.  Let's exchange recipes.

Nature never breaks her own rules. --Leonardo Da Vinci

When all else is lost, the future still remains. --Bovee

The real man lies in the depths of subconscious. --H. L. Mencken

The game of love is never called, on account of darkness. -- Pepe Le Pew

I like you.  You remind me of me when I was young and stupid

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception,
is composed of others. --John Andrew Holmes

A baby is the most complicated object made by unskilled labor.

...I've found that the quality of the scriptwriting has the same effect as a bad accident:
It's so horrifying that you can't look away. -- Micharl S. Roberts WSJ, letter to editor

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.

Well done, is better than well said.
--Benjamin Franklin

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-- Anais Nin

Someone who thinks of himself as a wit is usually half right.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
-- Sam Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes;
there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
--Henry Kissinger

If you think you're too small to have an impact,
try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.
--Anita Koddick

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.
--Arnold Palmer

The only rational way of educating is to be an example--
if one can't help it, a warning. -- Albert Einstein

The difference between a dog and a fox- is about five beers.

We learn as the thread plays out we belong less to what flatters us 
than to what scars.--Stanley Kunitz

What we observe is not nature itself,
but nature exposed to our method of questioning.
-- Werner Heisenberg 

He pulls a knife on you-  you pull a gun.
He sends one of yours to the hospital- 
you send one of his to the morgue.
That's the Chicago way.
--Sean Connery The Untouchables

Light travels faster than sound. 
This is why some people appear bright-
until you hear them speak.

There's only one endeavor in which you can start at the top,
and that's digging a hole.

The road to success is marked with many parking spaces.

It takes wisdom to be confused.

Republicans screw the country.
Democrats just screw.

No sense being pessimistic.
It wouldn't work anyway.

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
-- Douglas Yates

Nothing is so powerful as a bad idea- whose time has come

Words make us think.
Music makes us feel.
Singing makes us feel thoughts.

Nothing is so simple, that it can't be misunderstood

Political bipartisanship:  I'll hug your elephant, if you kiss my ass.

Except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power.
-- Rene Descartes 

Let's call things by their true names. 
If you're going to sin, let's sin bravely
-Leon Kass

 A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well

 What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
 "Hold my purse." -- Sandra Bullock

Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, 
and hear the lamentations of the women!
--Conan the Barbarian (on what is best in life)

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer. 

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech
when words become superfluous  -- Ingrid Bergman

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together
that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
--Rene Yasenek

I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics.  
--Johnny Mercer, on a British musical

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes 
and had forgotten to say "when."  --P.G. Wodehouse

No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses- yearning to get even.
--Chuck Colson,  in a WSJ editorial.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes-- Oscar Wilde 

Workers are like lemons: when the rich have sucked out all the juice, 
they throw them in the garbage-- Ricardo F. Magon, 1911 

If you're so smart, how come you're rich? 

The golf links lie so near the mill that almost every day the laboring children 
can go out and see the men at play.--  Sara Cleghorn, 1915 

Life rewards the ones who try until they get it down, 
the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground. 
-- Jimmy Buffet lyrics to the song "The Ass And a Hole In The Ground"

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. --Dan Quayle 

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

We can often do more for other men by trying to correct our own faults 
than by trying to correct theirs.-- Francois Fenelon

Yesterday is a cancelled check.  
Tomorrow is a promissory note.
Today is the only cash you have.  
Spend it wisely. 

The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of. -- Blaise Pascal

It is said that worry kills more people than work-
probably because more people worry than work.

She’s so ugly, she’d make a locomotive take a dirt road

I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.

It's called THINKING. You should try it sometime.

Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn when he was pulled over. 
The policeman asked him, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" 
to which Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am." --Unknown

It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting 
for my problems to go away. -- Scott Adams 

If you hit yourself in the head long enough, it feels good when you stop.

Judgment comes from experience, and great judgment comes from bad experience.
--Robert Packwood

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity, 
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because philosophy is an exalted activity, 
will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. 
Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
--John W Gardner

Between subtle shading and the absence of light lies the nuance of illusion.
--First decrypted passage on the Kyptos Sculpture

...All of law is a process of drawing lines on slippery slopes. 
The difference between misdemeanor theft and felony theft is one penny. 
The difference between misdemeanor and felony drug possession is one gram. 
The difference between a pig and a hog is one pound. 
We're always drawing distinctions, and it is necessary to do so... 
hunting rifles, OK; .50-caliber rifles, don't be a fool.
-- Molly Ivins, Creators Syndicate

Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. 
If we extended unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant,
if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught
of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and the tolerance with them.
--Karl Popper, The Open Society, 1943

Whiners are the products of sour grapes.
--Bumper Sticker

Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions.
-- Thomas Jefferson

There's never only one cockroach.
--Dennis Gartman - The Economist

I feel like a one-legged man in a but-kicking contest.
--Clarence Phillips- Newsweek

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion
-- George Bernard Shaw 

The end of a good life is premature.
-- Chuck Williamson

Not all minds that wander are lost (with apologies to J.R.R. Tolken)

The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives.
The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes.
The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected.
--Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

Seen on T-shirts:
    Resistance is futile (if < 1ohm)
    With enough thrust pigs fly just fine
    Instant human - just add coffee
    Is it wasn't for physics I'd be unstoppable

He's a place where brain cells go to die.

I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men.  They are far superior and always have been.
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.  If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. 
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.  If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. 
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.  She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. 
So, if you give her any crap, be prepared to receive a ton of shit!  --Sir William Golding

I had amnesia once --- maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift?  Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?